i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
