You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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