put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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