apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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