we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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