dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
