alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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