question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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