Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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