All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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