Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I did not marry a roomba.
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