dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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