if i can run in heels then i can drive
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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