I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
