A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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