I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
