I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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