so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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