My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
