NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize