I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
