Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
