i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
