I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
