Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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