it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
