but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
