just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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