She is in my trunk
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
