So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
