that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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