I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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