How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
