So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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