Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
