Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
wow bdsm is so cute
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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