how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
nutella sex= disaster
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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