The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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