I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
