Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
