Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
