I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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