Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
