filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize