Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
