so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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