People in love make me want to vomit
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
