I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
