It's just like the Real World with babies
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
