As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
