I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize