I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
