hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
