I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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