it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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