Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
