i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
