Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
